To Whomever This May Concern:

The good doctor would never willfully divulge the entirely personal, infinitely elaborate and highly irregular stratagem to which he credits much of his clandestine success here in NLOP’s ethereal world of pixilated chips and randomly generated hole cards. He has agreed, however, to submit three (3) quasi-constructive guiding principles which could usefully lead those, to whom he refers to as, “the poorly informed masses” of aspiring poker professionals, whose general approach seems to be pulled from the same mental refuse pile that has brought us reality television, energy drinks, hip-hop “style” and the Bush regime.

1.) Patience is not only a virtue, it is a champions greatest ally…

Anyone who has ever successfully waded through hundreds of erratic players on any free Poker site knows that aggressiveness before the first intermission is often rewarded with immediate elimination… usually facing a hand that would make Queen/Three look good. This early “tourney sunrise” time is your opportunity to study the table, use your position and watch the tournament leader board. Premium hands should be skillfully played, but keep in mind that a 300 chip raise into a pot of 120 will not guarantee the chucking of the 9/4 that foolishly cowered in the big blind. The opening round in a tournament is where the weakest players scrap for chips that they are inevitably destined to squander later in the contest. Let the “fools pool” who choose to play the lottery eliminate themselves and then thoughtfully assail the guy who beat them with the legitimate hand. Be mindful where your place is, during each and every fracas. Know who is short-stacked and desperate and who has deep pockets and will toss chips freely just to see a flop. It’s crucial that you be willing to let some chips go if the situation isn’t right early. Poker is “survival” and the guys who are on the frontline firing and raging in the eyes of the enemy at the beginning of the battle usually don’t come home alive at the end of the war.

An additional tip for the tired:

The most obvious way to announce to a table that you are an inferior player and are far from a serious run at any final table is to type: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… in the chat-box. If you are the “type” of person, itching to be embarrassed, who portrays these impatient ways and is incapable of relaxing for the short 20 seconds allotted to each player to choose his post-deal destiny. You have no chance of competently combating 9 disciplined warriors at a final table who are all waiting for one rash move or a single foolish mistake. If you get the urge to rush an opposing player on NLOP, this is not your game… try track and field or racquetball or something that requires cleats and pass your chips to the quiet cat leaning back in his chair sippin’ a cool one. Remember… Poker is a thinking mans game and acting quickly without analyzing the relevant options completely can devastate a chip-stack (and a country… ).

2.) There is an art in all things (believe in the bluff)…

One must be an effective storyteller to pull off a truly valid and commendable card farce. Simply stumbling ALL-IN after the turn with Jack high and squeezing a substantial pot does not constitute quality fabrication. Disregard the cards you hold when trying to lie. One must make plays that portray the hand YOU BELIEVE you’ve been dealt from the moment the first card hit the table. Only then can you truly sell that fantasy hand to your opponents. Any mentally crippled, hairless monkey could click ALL-IN and squeal with delight as a conservative folds. True beauty lies in the well told imaginary tale that forces the wily intellectual to doubt his faculties. We have all been advised that the pen is mightier than the sword… Forge your fraudulent tale well, for the moral is only worth heeding if the fable rings true.

3.) Winning isn’t everything…

This sounds entirely cliché but it is absolutely essential to understand if you strive for inner-“poker” peace. Making the RIGHT play is what is “cosmically” or ultimately important. Watching a runner-runner straight take all your loot may start burning in your heart and then erupt like lava through your lungs, but, if you threw in with the best hand you need to swallow hard and give yourself a well-deserved pat wherever you deem a pat feels best. Second-guessing a quality play slows “poker” growth. Subtle, adept play is infrequently spotted by the majority, so it must be quietly acknowledged by those few who can perceive it. Poker is a microcosm of life… Good hands, bad hands and a taste of everything in between. Like life, it is impossible to master and most often unfair. The initial steps toward genuine self-improvement, in both life and in cards, begin with patiently making sense of the frustrating mess that surrounds you, identifying those who put forth exceptional effort, taking what you can from each unique experience and thoughtfully moving forward with a learned grin on your lips. No matter where their silly golden trophy lies.

Please, Be Well,
Dr_Agnostic

Stolen… with implied permission from the heretical journal of Doctor J--.
Typed dutifully, in complete seclusion, by his well-compensated legal advisor

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